i told ehsan yesterday via sms that i am going to stop contacting him for a while. surface reasons being, exams and thesis research. underlying reasons being, i feel sometimes that i revolve my life too much around him that i forget about my own dreams and needs.

why this sudden decision?

two nights back, i accidentally missed his call and then i called an hour later, by then he wants to just sleep. ah yes, i felt guilty for missing his call. i am so used to him calling at 11pm, that i only will fuss over my phone around that timing. but yea he called very early that night and hence, i missed it. so i told him perhaps i will call tomorrow instead. bt between 11pm to 1am, it seemed that my brain has been preprogrammed for him to call me and subsequently i could not sleep. i had to drug myself (very unethical) with cough mixture to fall asleep.

yesterday he called me early but i was in the library doing some work. when i called back, he is half-asleep. hehe yea, i was a little disappointed because i actually rushed through my work (plus go toilet, keep things in locker, drink water), so that i could call him back within half an hour. usually when i am bored, stressed or lonely, i will sms him my random thoughts that he may or not reply (it does not matter to me, i prefer monologues anyway).

in my sms i told him that it is actually ok to love ourselves more (prioritize yourself with no feelings of guilt to others).  both of us have formed a certain expectation for the other and when these expectations are not fulfilled, we feel disappointed or guilty. whether all these compromises for love would be worth it in the end, or would we come to a point where we will look back, feel desensitized and wondered where our youth/time/effort went. relationships are about compromises, but to what extent would you go – he told me that it depends on how much you love the person. i also told him that in loving, you will hurt the person as well, the irony of it all. 

i have a lot of worries currently. 

(1) overwhelmed by thesis – trying to figure what is that something NEW that i could contribute.

(2) exams are alright – perhaps a little worried about nm4101 – hate open books, it just means you have to study more.

(3) possiby might get a C for a certain module this semester – yea my mistake, wrong module choice. bye bye second upper.

(4) weight – i have stopped running this week, i have no motivation to and have too many things to do. but yea, having a smaller sized boyfriend does make you stressed up about your own size. societal expectations for girls to be “smaller” than their counterparts. anyway, ehsan will tease me about my size, as always. so now i will be freed from him taunts even if it is just for a while.

(5) bleed – yea another round of this worries – frivolous acts will lead to disastrous consequences. sadness at the thought of the possibility, but yea, i still have to do it. i am not able to care for it sufficiently. but still, it is sad.

(6) wifey role – i am not sure if i can handle a long term relationship with someone who is always away. ehsan might go to brunei for a year. it is as if, i am having this relationship with myself, instead of him. what if there are children? what kind of father he will be? i will be like a single mum. i have seen an uncle of mine, whose wife is staying in Indonesia but he is working in Singapore. they meet once a month or so. everytime the kids meet up with the dad, they will throw tantrums, cry and cling on him. a father or a stranger? compromises? i have nothing against ehsan’s occupation (he is happily doing what he wants to). the problems are more of its eventual effects on other people.

(7) money – ah yes, arly became silly and pushed for a joint account. then she realized her money is dwindling and she has yet to figure how she is going to pay $850 in July 2009 onwards. i do not even know whether i will get a proper job, looking at the market. also it suddenly seemed that i have a laptop (sister bought) to pay for. no money to go for driving lessons.  

know a fairy who could clear up all these mess within a swish of her magic wand?